I didn't want to.
It definitely wasn't planned, but I ended up going back to her.
She initiated it…I had given up, but she kept showing up.
She missed me…
…I'm her best friend.
Heh, her best friend…
It's so flattering, but so insulting at the same time.
Her best friend? This woman that so gets under my skin, this woman that invades every other thought that crosses my mind, this woman that I was, AM?, more than ready to stand beside for ever says I'm her best friend.
I can't change the way she feels.
Hell, I ought to be happy.
That's it, we gave it a second chance, and now there's no denying it…we're not made for each other.
As strongly as I feel for her, I'm not sure I'm in love with her. In fact I'm quite sure that while I love her, I am not IN love with her. Hell, at times I don't even like her much.

Addiction…that's all I can figure.
I'm addicted. Addicted to her touch, her eyes, her power…I am completely under her power, and surprisingly enough, she doesn't really flaunt that power…if she wanted to I'd be a broken man.
No, instead I'm merely a broken hearted man…
One who will never get what he wants…I want a woman to love me. I mean, LOVE me…I want her to worship me the way I know I am capable of worshipping her.
But I'll never have that…not from her.
Not from anyone…

But the addiction was already too much. She had backed off quickly…she knew it was a mistake to get back together. She told me she could never love me the way I deserved to be loved.
I heard, but wouldn't listen, so I just kept on trying. Finally, I pushed it too far…
I actually bought a ring.

No, it wasn't an engagement ring. No, I couldn't propose…I had nothing to offer but an undying devotion that defied reason.
No, it was what amounted to a promise ring. A promise to her that she would be the only one for me, and if she accepted, a promise to me that I was the only one for her.
Thing is, I didn't need to prove it to her. She knew it already, but quite frankly didn't want it. And she couldn't even fathom making that promise to me. It would have been a lie.
I never even gave her the ring…
It was already late, and she wasn't in the best mood, and I could tell it was all beyond hope…so I was just gonna leave, but I had already hidden the box in her house, so I had no choice but to retrieve it right in front of her. She was shocked.
I didn't even let her see it…we sat down and I tried to express exactly what was in my head; my heart.
I failed miserably to make any kind of case for my self.
It's done.
I left.

What's funny is that I had only bought it that same day…
I ran around at the last minute and found a place and the first thing I asked the unlucky sales girl was, "do you accept returns?". Luckily for me she did.
Actually, the sales girl was very sweet. She was actually trying to comfort me because I was so obviously a nervous wreck. She asked me to stop pacing because I was making her nervous, but I couldn't.
The very next morning I was back to return it.
I decided to buy a card for HER, only like the fifth card I'd gotten her since the beginning our short reconciliation. I just wanted to make sure there was no hard feelings and that we'd still be good friends, etc.
It's sorta like we will always have to be close, one way or another…
There's just too much history there…she was supposed to be the one…she was supposed to be the mother of my child; my children. We will always be connected.
So I got her a card…but then I bought a tiny little Thank You card for the sales girl.
Yes, I am a freak…a very weird one.
The sales girl wasn't there, but the store manager was, and she remembered me and was very sweet as well, even though she told me to stop fidgeting. Hell, at least I wasn't pacing? She actually asked me if I even fidget in bed. Unfortunately I didn't think to reply, "depends on who I'm with" until after I had left.
I told her that the other sales girl was very nice and that I had gotten her a Thank You card, and I slid across the counter to her. She told me that she would make sure she got it, but I know what she was thinking was "STALKER!".

So there it is. Me an my pathetic Romantic Dramedy of a life.

I can't stop thinking of her, even though I'm sure that she hasn't had even one thought about me since I left her house late Friday night…or if she has, I'm sure it hasn't been a pleasant thought.

This week I will attempt to "move on"…but I know, she'll never truly leave my mind, my consciousness…