I don't even want to write this review.
This movie was such a disappointment.

When I was a kid, I loved the Michael York version of The Three Musketeers. I know there were others before, and then after, like the pretty bad, but passable version from the early 90s which featured the impossibly underrated Oliver Platt.
Actually that version was pretty bad too, but come on, it had the aforementioned Platt, right?
But this new version, I dunno…why?

The trailer sold me because I'm a fan-boy of sorts, and just the slightest reference to the incredible CROUCHING TIGER HIDDEN DRAGON made me curious. So this movie has acclaimed action choreographer Xin Xin Xiong…
…Know what? Big fucking deal. The action scenes try too hard to carry an overall terrible movie with a God-awful script…and to make things worse, they are shot in such a way that it's hard to follow the action and focus on the "cool shit". I'm not too familiar with the director, Peter Hyams, but being that he served as Director of Photography as well, I guess he gets the blame.

Then there's the acting.
I'm not familiar with the actor in the lead role of D'Artagnan, Justin Chambers, but I do know that he came off about as French as a pack of fries from Mickey D's. Not that he was terrible in the role, but Fucking A, he's playing a French guy…can we have at least a bit of an accent?
Mena Suvari was in this too.
Why?
Easily the worst I've seen her, physically and professionally…
Stephen Rea was also in this.
Hey, he's gotta do something when Neil Jordan's not making movies.
But his talent was wasted on a small, formulaic role.
The worst things about this flick is the incredible waste of acclaimed international superstar Catherine Deneuve, a still beautiful woman despite her soon to be battle with menopause. My God, what a waste…even though her character was the only likable one in the movie.
And Tim Roth.
Ouch…he follows up the disappointing PLANET OF THE APES (in which he was the bright spot) with this abysmal claptrap. And to think he could have had a role in the sure to be successful upcoming series of Harry Potter films.
Here he plays nothing more than a very generic bad guy character…albeit one who never ages…as he and another character in the film look identical over a fourteen year span.
Sad really.

I dunno why this movie was made as is…it could have been a really cool spectacle.
I'm sorry, but this isn't even a Sunday afternoon rental.
Just avoid it.