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REDNECK JESUS

OK, this is a weird one.
This was a writing assignment given to me by Joey when we were roommates. Yeah, we used to give each other writing assignments.
I guess if it was well written, it would be extremely blasphemous or controversial, but since it's just written by little old me, it's just weird..
By the way, this is probably the longest thing I'll post.

"God decided it was time for The Second Coming.
He decided that this time America would be the Holy Land.
The American South.
Deep South.
Alabama, to be exact.

He scanned the area looking for a virgin of birthing age.
When he couldn't find one, he settled for a gal who's parents weren't related.
The only possible candidate was a fifteen year-old by the name of Sue Ann. She lived, appropriately enough, in the New Jerusalem Trailer Park.
God rolled His eyes and said, "She'll have to do."

That night Sue Ann received a visit from an Angel.
"You will have an Immaculate Conception", bellowed the Angel in all his ethereal glory.
"You have been chosen"

Sue Ann thought about it for a moment, pursed her lips and said, "well all right, but I get to be on top…and no tongue! I hardly even know you".

"Oy, ve", said the Angel, smacking his forehead as he disappeared.

Sure enough, nine months later, Sue Ann gave birth to a baby boy.
She decided to keep with tradition and named the boy Jesus, thoroughly disappointing her mother who had her heart set on "Cooter", just like her dear old Pa.

That night, Sue Ann and the baby Redneck Jesus were visited by Three Klansmen…they like to recruit young. Sue Ann had already known the three in the Biblical sense, but since she knew that God was keeping a watchful eye on things, she sent the Klansmen away.

As the Child grew, he began to manifest his Divine qualities. For instance, he could catch catfish with his bare hands, and once, according to the corner drunk, he walked on a mud puddle "without making that squishy sound".

As a young man, Redneck Jesus really came into his own as a prophet and leader. One day he witnessed a mob stoning a woman just because she had tha audacity to attempt to continue in school past the age of sixteen.
"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone", He said in all his glory.
Instantly, he was hit on the head with a rock.
"Wait!", he shouted. "Let me put it this way. Let he who has not lied with a farm animal throw the first rock".
The crowd came to a collective, "oh", and simply walked away.

Perhaps Redneck Jesus' most impressive act was his next one. To cure the town's sobriety, he turned Holy Water into moonshine. It was then he got his true following; His disciples.
They met every Sunday in the Sheriff's drunk tank. Actually they never planned their meetings. They just sort of ended up there after their Saturday night benders.

Unfortunately Jesus' miracles were soon discovered by the embittered Klansmen. Still upset about being turned away at his birth, they formed a lynch mob. Eventually they captured Redneck Jesus and proceeded to crucify him.

Redneck Jesus tried to console his followers (the moonshine was running low).
"I shall return", He said. "Just give me three days".

When on the third day there was still no sign of Redneck Jesus, the disciples started to panic.
Finally, on the fourth morning after His death, the disciples were very relieved to see a very unkempt Redneck Jesus straggling down the street.
"Jesus, we were so worried", they cried. "We thought you weren't going to make it", they said.
"What took so long?", they asked.
"Sorry boys", He replied. "I got totally shit-faced last night".
"Oh", came the collective response from the disciples.

Off in the distance, a grown man squealed like a pig.

The End

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