Make your own free website on Tripod.com
UNCERTAINTY

OK, are you sitting down?
Last night, I attended mass at a Catholic church.
It was Ash Wednesday. The good little Catholic boys and girls went to church to wipe away their sins and dirty up their foreheads with a little ash cross.
Hey, more power to them...
See, the Little one wanted to go. I guess She felt she needed to go. Maybe if I was a much better person I would have felt the need as well. I went basically to accompany her.
I don't know the name of the church, but it was fucking huge, and popular as Hell. Well, Hell might not be the appropriate word to use, huh?
When we entered I saw a sign that said the seating capacity was 900! 900 people...in a church? No fucking way right?
Well, by the time the Mass started, it was standing room only? Damn! Such a huge turn out, and this with out the benefit of dancing girls or beer! Well, apparently they DO serve wine.
Fuck, I AM going to Hell, aint I?

So anyway, I warned Her ahead of time that I wouldn't be participating...and I didn't. I did stand when everybody had to stand though. You know, Catholic church is a lot like Aerobics for Senior Citizens...
It's like, Ok, stand, ok, sit, ok, kneel down, ok, make a cross on your chest, ok, now make a little cross on your forehead, then a bigger cross on your chest, ok, kneeel, and stand and sit, ok, and three more...
But I digress...
So I did stand, but I never knelt down...I was the only one on my bench (do they still call them pews?) not to, so I felt a bit awkward, but hey, that's me. I didn't partake of the Ash on the forehead ritual, nor the eat the bread, drink the wine ritual. And you know, it took fucking forever for them to do all the ash stuff, and then later, it took forever for the bread and wine (communion?)...a little better thinking would have said, "hey, let's do the ash and the communion together, and kill two birds with one fucking stone!"
However my most uncomfortable moment came when I broke the chain. I don't remember this one custom back when I attended church more regularly, but at one point everybody holds hands, even across the aisles. I DIDN'T KNOW THIS! Sure, I held Her hand, but not the guy on my right's. OOPS! I felt so stupid, but shit, that guy obviously knew what to do; He should have grabbed my fucking hand or something. I dunno. Whatever.
Oh, and in a weird twist on my weird life, for like the second day in a row, I saw the lady that would have been my Mother In Law...well at least back in a different time, and a different place. Weird.
But I am very happy to report I didn't see any creepy little boys...

In all seriousness though, I think She benefited from the whole experience. If it's something she needs, obviously I'll support her in that, even if it means the occasional awkward feeling for me. I mean if I started going on a regular basis, I might get used to it, but the feeling of hypocrisy would get to me, you know?
I mean people go to church because they need something in their lives that they can't seem to find anywhere else. As for me, yeah, I need all kinds of help. I need to find something. I need to do a lot of healing.
But I just don't think organized religion is the answer for me. Maybe time will tell...

BACK TO JOURNAL