I JUST GOTTA VENT
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
So I watched House last night. I still watch it despite the title character becoming more and more of an unbearable asshole. Anyway, last night they had a guy who, among other problems, was basically sleepwalking through life.
Now, since I'm me, I turned it around and made it all about me.
I DO kinda feel like I've been sleepwalking through life, going all the way back to high school, maybe even before.
It's like my life is a haze of sameness, and I do things and make decisions that make no sense, and I do nothing that gets me anywhere. (And then, when I'm in a relationship, I basically live their life with them, again not in charge of my own destiny.)
So maybe what I'm saying is now I know that I'm sleeping, and really, I just gotta wake the fuck up.
Monday, October 27, 2008
I gotta tell you, last week was a brutal, emotional roller coaster week for me. Well, roller coaster might not be too accurate, since it was mostly lows and no real highs, but you know what I mean.
Damn. It gets old being this weak and pathetic. Really.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Do you ever get to the point where you have absolutely no faith in yourself at all?
Absolutely no confidence in yourself?
No self esteem what so ever?
Oh, just me, huh?
Friday, October 10, 2008
Well, nothing's changed for the better.
If anything, it's changed for the worse.
I'm still ridiculously obsessed with somebody who now sees me only as a good friend, if not just a casual friend.
My job is in dire straits; both mine personally, and really, the company itself.
And of course I've done nothing to prepare myself to better myself or even just make a lateral move to keep my head above water.
My health is...questionable...if only in that I don't take care of myself physically, and now that I'm 40, I really need to get checked out, which is something I dread.
Mentally...emotionally...I'm a mess. I'm weening myself off the happy pills. They don't work anyway, and I can't really afford to see a new doc and get a better prescription...besides I've tried so many, and nothing's helped...at least as I see it. Other people think they've helped. I dunno...
It all gets a little much sometimes.
I mean, I've been such a fuck up for so long, and it's only getting worse.
Living with so much hate isn't easy.
I'm sure it's killing me, slowly, from the inside out.
But it's taking way too long...