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OH WOE IS ME...
FEBRUARY 2003

Friday, February 28, 2003

So February's gone, huh?

I was saddened to hear of the passing of Mr Rogers; Fred Rogers.
I remember watching as a wee child, and liking his organized manner.
Shit, now that I think about it, and I'm not trying to mock the dead here, but maybe that's how I first started developing my anal tendencies. I mean, he was so neat...the way he'd change from shoes to sneakers and stuff. Weird.
Still, he seemed like a stand up guy, and he had that magic trolley and stuff, so he was pretty cool. R.I.P.

I'm hoping this is a good weekend.
Fucking A, do I need a good weekend!
There are plans, and at the least I'll be busy, which is good, since an idle mind makes AJ suicidal and shit.

I got so much shit in my head right now.
Fuck.
Among other things, all the changes that I keep referring to at work are finally kicking in, and damn it, I HATE change!
"it's the end of the world as we know it..."

Wednesday, February 26, 2003

I really have nothing to write in here, but I don't feel like finishing my work right now (the Boss aint in) and I dunno, here I am.

Yesterday was a strange day.
I had a nice time at lunch.
It's funny how deeply simple words and / or actions can move you.

Last night was a little disconcerting because the "trio" got together, but we didn't make beautiful music together. I just couldn't keep up. I haven't practiced on my own at all, so when the guys started playing I just sucked royally.
I guess I should just practice on my own, but I know how lazy I am and I hate to do anything when "I have to".
We'll see.
What I would really like is to hook up with other non-talented individuals who wanna rock out to Maiden and just have fun with it.
Any takers?
I'm serious...I'm even thinking of putting an ad out, or making a special page on the site just for that.

Sunday, February 23, 2003

Well, the weekend was as BLAH as predicted.
Closest thing to a highlight was renting Simon Birch.
I rented it because I was curious about how DAREDEVIL writer-director Mark Steven Johnson did on that one. It was a little too sentimental, but it was pretty cool. I'm gonna check out the book that inspired it, A Prayer For Owen Meaney, by John Irving. It only inspired the movie though. The movie isn't based entirely on the book...

I'll check out most of the Grammy's tonight, but I hope it doesn't get too political.
I don't want us going to war, but I also don't need to hear musicians go on and on about it...

Friday, February 21, 2003

Well, it's the weekend, and I'm staring at a whole lotta nothing.
No plans.
No life.
No nothing...

And another reason I really need a woman is that strip clubs are really fucking expensive!
Damn, even with my "restraint", it's not pretty.
Well, I mean, the ladies are pretty, well, mosta them anyway.
Hell, some look like Goddesses too magnificent for this Earth.
And then there are creatures like PEARL who are just the epitome of...DAMN!

But yeah, it's a pricey (and rather sad, really) hobby...

Wednesday, February 19, 2003

A coworker read my last entry, and then sort of let me have it.
She pointed out, among other things, that I'm a miserable person and I'm never gonna find someone because of it. (So does that mean all the worrying about the Short, Fat, Bald, and Ugly thing is for naught?)I tried to explain that my work "persona" isn't all too common outside the office, but I guess it is still there. It's just who I am, a miserable old fuck.
But it really threw me for a loop coming from her because while I'll stop short of calling her a friend (not a word that I throw around lightly, in fact I usually tell people that I only have 2 and a half friends), I feel that she's dangerously close to being more than a coworker. So to hear that my demeanor at work affects her to the point that she becomes bitchy to her own boyfriend, is troubling.
I mean, if my name came up when they were having sex, I'd be almost flattered, but for it to be fodder for their arguments, that's just wrong.

Sunday, February 16, 2003

For whatever reason, actually, I basically know why but don’t feel like “sharing”, this Valentine’s Day hit me kinda hard. At 34, I’ve seen my share of solo Feb. 14ths, but I don’t remember being as depressed by it as I am this time. And it’s really annoying because it’s such a non-holiday, but when you’re a hopeless romantic, even a relatively broke one like me, it’s a day to shine for someone.
Not having that chance hurts this time.
A friend told me once that I was only happy when there was a woman in my life. I didn’t deny it, but came up with a flowery justification for being that way. But the bottom line is he was right, (he usually is, the bastard!) and despite everything in my life sucking pretty much all the time, the loneliness is what kills me.

Tuesday, February 11, 2003

So Monday afternoon, an SUV, a big old, gas guzzling, death machine on wheels decided to make my sister’s office a drive in, careening right through the front window.
Apparently no one was hurt, but my God, that must have been frightening.
Seriously, had I been in that office when it happened, I probably would have had a heart attack and dropped dead on the spot.
My sister’s been under a lot of stress lately, so I’m glad she happened to be out of the office when it happened. Her employees though were there. I feel for them.
The one that spoke on the news though seemed relatively calm, cool, and collected.

I’m a little worried.
And rather depressed.
(I know that's nothing new...)
I just marked my fifth anniversary at work.
My boss called me in to his office and gave me a nice increase and praised me up and down…

I’m so not worthy of that.
I SO do as little as possible to get the job done…
And I’ve so been putting off that training which will probably lead to the eventual replacement of my immediate supervisor, who can not afford to be let go anytime soon.
But now the boss will be pushing for me to get cracking with the training.
I’m terrified of what happens next…

And I hope I can trust the people I work with... more people than ever know about this site, and frequent it occasionally...

Fuck.

Saturday, February 1, 2003

I decided to continue with my plans today, despite the shuttle tragedy.
But I thought I had to say something about it, so I added a “foreward” of sorts to my movie review:

“I saw The Guru around 12:30 PM on the day that America saw it’s second shuttle disaster, the explosion of the “Columbia”.
I had mixed feelings about having a normal day on the same day of a National tragedy, but in the end I decided there was nothing I would accomplish by sitting in front of the TV and watching the in depth coverage.
I certainly mean no disrespect to anyone, and I’m sorry for all involved and that once again America (and Israel) has another tragedy to overcome.”

If you want to read the rest of the review (and it’s a very short one), CLICK HERE.

I wrote this in an e-mail the other day, and it struck me the kind of stuff I usually save for my journal, so I’m including it here word for word:

“By now you prolly don't care to hear anything else from me, but I'll tell you anyway.
I swear I feel as if I'm living a movie or a novel…
I feel like I'm outside myself and have no control.

I don't wanna feel the way I'm feeling
This anger that started up the other day and won't go away
It's like it's taken over

I'm not trying to be this monster I've been lately, but I can't seem to stop
I feel like I'm sitting here watching myself scream and bark and am nothing but an innocent bystander with no power to change anything

Damn, see, I told you I was weird”

See how much fun I am at work?

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