JULY 2005

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Yesterday kicked my ass pretty bad.
Basically, all my faults were laid bare on a table before me, and I was forced to take a good, long look at what a mess my life is. It's ironic, because basically I'm as happy now as I could ever remember being, if not more so. But all that happiness comes from one source, and like drugs or alcohol, that source may momentarily make me forget my problems, but turn on the light, and the problems are still right there, weighing on my shoulders and whispering harshly into my brain just how big of a fucking loser I am...

Thursday, July 21, 2005

So my doctors, they want me to lighten up.
They want me to think positively.
They want me to face my fears, not run blindly in a panic.

In other words, they want me to slowly erase 37 years of negative reinforcement in my psyche and basically, suddenly, be normal.

That's not gonna be easy, is it.

But, it's funny, I've been told that all my life.
"Don't be so negative".
"Look on the bright side".
"Look at the glass as half full, not half empty!"

Damn, this is not gonna be easy.

Monday, July 11, 2005

You know, my girlfriend really is amazing.
I just turned 37 (kinda sucks…that sounds SO OLD), but she really went above and beyond to celebrate. I so don’t feel worthy of all the trouble and expense she went through. She really worked her butt off and managed to keep it from me pretty well. I mean, the whole thing in general wasn’t a surprise, but there were plenty of little surprises, and those were priceless. Though she doesn’t take to writing things down often, she has the romantic heart of a poet, and she fills me with these overwhelming feelings of, well, love? Hope? It's all very nice, even though I also feel guilty and totally unworthy of all the love and attention...I mean, come on, she actually sent me flowers!
I've NEVER received flowers before, and I never would have thought I would, but there she goes, surprising me again.

Now the pressure's on to be sure I can at least slightly repay her with her birtday celebration which isn't all that far away...ACK, pressure!

Oh, and my niece turned 15 over the weekend!
My sweet little niece, my little piano playing angel...she's growing up too fast!

Wednesday, July 6, 2005

Damn, I really feel like I should write all kinds of stuff right now, but nothing's coming to me. Not for my journal, and not one of my wonderfully bad poems either. I thought I had a poem growing in my head earlier, but it dissolved before I can get it down. I dunno if it's good or bad that I'm having this "mental block". I mean, usually I mostly write negative things, so maybe the fact that I have nothing to say is a good thing! But then sometimes I write positive things lately, especially about my girlfriend, who surprises me everyday with just how awesome she is. But I don't want this just to become a little praise page for her. I mean, come on, this IS my little page of Misery! I gotta keep the status quo, you know? But I guess right now, despite the dead end job, and no other "life" to speak of, I'm relatively content in my own miserable little way? And sometimes, I'm downright...happy?
is THAT what this is?

Tuesday, July 5, 2005

Back again.