Sunday, August 29, 2004

This is a big, scary week coming up.
Lot of big events coming, one way or another.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a bit of anxiety...

Yesterday something happened that I don't remember ever doing before...
I was sitting in a theater auditorium watching Hero...
And I was extremely bored...
I couldn't focus on the movie at all, and that's probably not the movie's fault, but more likely the fault of the unending white noise in my brain, but I WAS bored.
Even a dramatic fight between Jet Li and Donnie Yen didn't do it for me...
So when I got a call (my cell was on vibrate)I waited to see if a voice mail followed, and when there was one, I walked into the theater lobby, heard the message, and decided it offered a much better time than the film, so I asked the manager since I had only seen about 25 minutes of movie but had to leave, if I could get a refund! And she obliged! So I left.
I felt kinda guilty somehow, but went on to have a much better time, so it's all good.

That was yesterday...
Today I'm back to being my blah self...

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

About 5 hours.
That seems to be the norm...that seems to be the amount of sleep I get a night.
Maybe 5 hours doesn't seem so bad, but try thinking that way when it's 3 or 4 in the morning and you're lying compltetly awake in bed.
It's frustrating as Hell.
I try to go to sleep later and later to compensate, but I usually can't.
If I'm home and got nothing better to do, I'll just get bored and depressed and eventually, sleepy. Not fun.

It's not really new.
I tried to wax poetic on it A WHILE BACK...tried to make my humdrum everyday bullshit seem like some dark demonic manifestation, but oh well.
It seems worse now than ever.
Bad thoughts...lots and lots of bad thoughts...

Monday, August 16, 2004

August is almost half way through, and I have yet to come in here and vent or bitch or cry about anything.

No, that doesn’t mean that I’m all better and don’t need to use my barely read journal pages for my meandering therapeutic writing. No, it just means that I never know what to say in here anymore.
I never know what I should mention…I mean… When you’re surrounded by earth shaking negativity, even if you’re the source, and I am, mostly, how do you put that into words? It’s not easy.
All I can keep repeating are the vague mumblings about the emotional roller coaster being in full effect, me hating work, me wanting my life to change, etc.
I can’t really break it all down, you know?
All I can say is that nothing’s changed, and there is no quick fix.

I do have to say that I know some people that are going through Hell right now and they mean the world to me and I want so bad for things to get better for them but I just don’t see the out for them. No light at the end of the tunnel…just a world of pain nobody’s prepared for.

And related to that, but more personal to me specifically is that my obsession keeps me going. It’s unhealthy, and it’s wrong
(…but it FEELS right!)
but yeah, it keeps me going…

I also have to say that I feel very bad about the whole Hurricane Charley thing.
I gave it very little importance, and then it barrels through parts of Florida challenging Andrew on the destructive scale. So many lives ruined and forever changed. Absolutely frightening.

Sheesh, that was positive, huh?

In completely unrelated and much less important news, I really wanted to see a movie called Garden State this weekend, but didn’t get to, so I strongly recommend you visit my pal JOEY’S website as he prolly saw it, and reviewed it, and his reviews are very well written!