OH WOE IS ME...
I say goodbye and good fucking riddance to this fucking month and all the ugliness it's brought.
My idol of sorts, Metallica front man James Hetfield is out of rehab and just had another baby (Jan. 17), his third child. I hope this is the beginning of a new leash on life for my fave redneck tyrant.
I read the other day some comments by guitarist Kirk Hammett regarding the new album, which will be out who knows when. He said it was heavy, but different than anything they've done before.
I'm a little nervous about that...
I have a doctor's appointment today.
I hate going to the doctor, but I've been sick for like 3 weeks plus now.
Maybe I'm dying.
What's sad about that is that as much as I talk about hating life and "longing for sweet oblivion", the other night I got dressed at 1 AM to go to the emergency room.
I ended up not going, and I guess it turned out to be nothing more than an upset stomach.
But I was scared for a while...it really hurt.
A while back I posted this:
'There is one apparent bright shining ray of light in the distance, but that’s really not about me.
Still, it might be very good news, hopefully…
But like I said, that’s in the distance.'
Well, sadly, this apparently wasn't meant to be.
I'm very sorry for all involved...
"Standing by the window
Eyes upon the moon
Hoping that the memory will leave her spirit soon
She shuts the doors and lights
And lays her body on the bed
Where images and words are running deep
She has too much pride to pull the sheets above her head
So quietly the lays and waits for sleep
She stares at the ceiling
And tries not to think
And pictures the chain
She's been trying to link again
But the feeling is gone
And water can't cover her memory
And ashes can't answer her pain
God give me the power to take breath from a breeze
And call life from a cold metal frame
In with the ashes
Or up with the smoke from the fire
With wings up in heaven
Or here, lying in bed
Palm of her hand to my head
Now and forever curled in my heart
And the heart of the world"
- Wait For Sleep
"I'm missing your bed
I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak
And this bottle of beast
Is taking me home
I'm cuddling close
To blankets and sheets
But you're not alone, and you're not discreet
Make sure I know who's taking you home.
I'm reading your note over again
There's not a word that I comprehend
Except when you signed it
"I will love you always and forever."
Well As for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs
And sit alone and wonder
How you're making out
But as for me, I wish that I were anywhere with anyone
I'm missing your laugh
How did it break?
And when did your eyes begin to look fake?
I hope you're as happy as you 're pretending.
I am alone
In my defeat
I wish I knew you were safely at home
I'm missing your bed
I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we'd have speak, and
This bottle of beast is taking me home.
Your hair, it's everywhere.
And taking its wear."
- Screaming Infidelities
by Dashboard Confessional
"This world is spinning around me
This world is spinning without me
Every day sends future to past
Every breath leaves one less to my last" - Dream Theater
Sometimes I wish I could growl.
You know, like when there's a monster in a movie, and it has a growl, or a snarl, which is usually a lion's snarl which has been synthesized and distorted and it just sounds kinda vicious?
Yeah, like that.
Sometimes I wish I could do that.
That way when something happens or somebody pisses you off you just turn around and sort of growl and they freak out and leave you alone.
Yeah, a nice deep, gutteral growl.
That'd be kinda cool.
Fucking A, please don't ask me to explain the weird shit that crosses my mind...
"...If I could just sleep" - Savatage
I dunno if it's insomnia in the truest sense of the word, or if it's all the stuff I've been taking to try to get rid of this nasty cold / flu thing I have going on, but I am wide awake. It's already almost 3 AM. I know I'll probably stay all wide eyed and bushy tailed until it's almost time for me to get up. What fun.
My admittedly weak response to MY FLAWS.
Tuesday, 1/15/02 Addendum
I asked a friend for a list of my flaws. My many, many flaws.
Here is what he wrote back, but I feel I have to say that while the list is complete I did remove some of his parenthetical comments because they were more personal in nature, and would not be understood out of that context.
* EXTREMELY closed-minded when it comes to certain things
* Holier than thou (... you look down on all kinds of people)
* Extremely negative
* Racist (fine, I'll accept "classist")
(you have shades of arrogance, holier than thou-ness, and other
things you criticize others for)
* Can't accept confidence in other people without calling it arrogance
* No drive or ambition
* Content being miserable
* Can't be happy and alone, therefore, the happiness in an intimate
relationship is mostly (NOT entirely) because of what it does to your
* Does nothing to fix a bad situation
* Not willing to take any risks
Sadly, any kind of justification on my part would be so petty, I'll just leave the list as is.
“I see her face everywhere
can't get her out of my mind
Whenever I'm alone I'm thinking
there's a part missing from my life
Wonder where I'd be without your love
holding me together now
I'm watching the time tick, tick away
Face grows longer every day
Fortunes are lost on the women I've seen
but without you I can't breathe
You're the air to me
Waited so long
I'm all alone thinking about you” – Queensryche
I really have nothing to say.
I'm kinda tired of crying into my pillow like a little girl with no date to the prom.
I know the consensus, the magic words, if you will, are MOVE ON…
But it’s not easy.
In fact, right now it still feels pretty fucking impossible…
There is one apparent bright shining ray of light in the distance, but that’s really not about me.
Still, it might be very good news, hopefully…
But like I said, that’s in the distance.
MY THEME SONGS
"…Pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble and I crawl
You could be my someone
You can be my scene
You know that I'll protect you
From all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
Imagine where you are
There's oceans in between us
But that's not very far
Can you take it all away" - Puddle Of Mudd
It'll just get harder before it get's easier.
Lonilness is a bitch.
See, the thing is, even though I'm not sure what I believe about souls (as I mentioned often here, probably to the point of monotony, my belief in spirituality is basically non-existent) but I do believe people have an essence to them.
When people fall in love, they basically give up their heart and soul, they're essence, to the other person.
See, that's what I did. And I truly believe she did the same for me.
And when that exchange is made, there's a synergy there, a connection, and the two strive and feel more alive than ever.
But now she had to take her's back, and she tried to give me mine back, but I haven't been able to accept it yet.
So it's not in her, but it's not in me.
It's in limbo.
I'm in limbo.
And it's hard to survive without your heart.
Without your soul.
Basically, I'm empty inside.
I've quoted from this song a million times, but it fits well right here:
"Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony" - Metallica
Last night I watched my DVD of Clive Barker's Nightbreed. I watched it because there was nothing on TV, and actually because I've been watching some DVDs lately since I have no life. Anyway, it's pretty cool, but, I dunno. The concept is pretty cool, but the execution is very flawed. I mean, at times this movie looks really, really bad.
Still it inspired me to pull an old Clive Barker book of my dusty shelf, The Thief of Always. So when I'm done reading Gothique, a vampire book, and Book Two in the An Unforunate Series Of Events series, I'll re-read Thief.
Hey it's all about goals...
So it's now 2002.
How did I spend the first day of the new year?
I watched a 25 year old movie on video, then I went to go see the re-release of a 10 YEAR OLD MOVIE.
That pretty much encapsulates my day.
The more things change, the more they stay the same...
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